


Exhaustion

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-15
Updated: 2011-06-15
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:32:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared's exhausted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exhaustion

The first thing that I remember about that week is the way that he smelled. I had never thought much about the way that a man smelled before, or ever wanted to, but as I laid him in his bed, it was all I could thing of. It was a mixture of fruit and earth and it was so Jared. I wasn’t sure if it was from all the healthy crap that he ate or the bottles of organic shit that he bathed and washed with, but I found the smell intoxicating. I had been placed in charge of him; his keeper if you will while Shannon and Tomo flew off and enjoyed themselves in lover’s bliss. Shannon had begged and pleaded with me to take on this task, but I fought him for as long as I could before I finally caved. I was petrified beyond belief of trying to take care of Jared, much less convince him of that. Jared was a loner and he hated to be doted on or taken care of. I knew the time was going to be long and I knew that before it was over I was going to be the one exhausted and in need of a much needed rest.

It all started towards the end of our last tour. It had been a strenuous and frenzied tour where we played night after night to sold out crowds. The work was relentless for Tomo, Shannon and I, but as always it was worse for Jared. While the three of us slept during the day as we headed towards our next destination, Jared never did. In the eight months that we toured, I don’t ever once remember seeing him sleep more then an hour or two at best. He was always doing something, always doing everything despite the fact that Shannon constantly offered to help him. The end of the tour was actually in sight and we were all glad for it. There were two more months ahead of us and then a short break before we did it all over again. Honestly I don’t know how he stayed together as long as he did, but suddenly different things began to happen. He was always easily irritated, but he was even more so. He would lose his temper at the slightest thing and that went for us as well as the staff. He refused to admit it, but it was clear that the gout was back with a vengeance and he was in constant pain. Several times on stage he would forget the words to songs that he had written, songs that he had been singing for years before hand. There was something off about him, but no matter how many times we tried to talk to him, he denied it. Everything came to a head one night when in the middle of a show, Jared collapsed.

It happened so fast that at first I wasn’t sure what was happening. One minute he was playing his guitar and spinning around the stage and then the next he was on the ground. I’d never seen Shannon move as fast as he literally jumped over his drum kit to get to his brother, frantically trying to revive him once he had. The crowd was in an uproar, security practically beating them back as the concerned Echelon tried to get to their fearless leader. “He’s not breathing” I heard Shannon scream as a pair of paramedics emerged from out of no where and began to perform live saving measures on his brother. He was near hysteric as Tomo and I held onto him, watching and praying that the man that we loved and thought of as leader ourselves did not die on that stage. Everything was such a blur after that as they were able to revive him before rushing him into an ambulance and the nearby local hospital.

Shannon was a near fall down wreck as he paced the tiny room they had placed us in as they continued to evaluate Jared. Tomo tried to be there for his lover, but it was a losing battle as Shannon ignored his attempts and continued to walk his circle of worry. It was nearly two hours later before the doctor came for us, letting us know that Jared was fine and that this was just a warning of what could happen if he didn’t slow down. You could feel the relief over come the entire room as he continued to speak to us, only to have it return ten fold at what he said next. “He needs to take a break” The room went dead silent as we each looked at each other because we knew how impossible that would be. “I don’t mean just a few days off and then back to the schedule you’ve been working. Honestly…I’m surprised that he lasted this long and it’s only a matter of time before each of you join him” I wanted to laugh at the fathering tone the doctor was using, but I held it in at the look of misery on Shannon’s face. “His body is exhausted, he’s anemic, and his blood pressure is through the roof. He is one concert away from having a full blown heart attack. I recommend that the rest of this tour be cancelled and he focus on getting the rest that his poor body requires”

“You try telling that to him” Tomo said what we all were thinking.

“Well it’s either that or possible death” The doctor returned bluntly.

“How long are we talking here?” Shannon asked.

“You’re brother is not as young as he thinks he is Mr. Leto” He began. “I can’t really tell you how long it will take. The fact of the matter is that his body is worn out and if he continues on the road he is on it could be fatal” I wanted to scream at the man and tell him to shut up because this was Jared Leto we were talking about and things like this just didn’t happen to him. The hard truth was that Jared wasn’t as invincible as I once thought him to be and the fact that we were in a hospital in a town whose name I couldn’t even remember proved that.

“This is a nightmare” I heard Shannon say before he got up and started pacing again. We all watched him for a moment, each lost in our own thoughts until Tomo screamed loud enough to wake the dead as Shannon faltered and almost fell to the ground. “I’m ok” He said as he was lead back to his seat, Tomo mothering over him before the doctor even had a chance.

“I’m going to venture a guess and of course this is without any actual medical evidence…but I would say that you need a rest as well”

“I can’t rest…who the hell will take care of Jared?” Shannon cried out, trying to get up from his chair, but unable to as Tomo pushed him back down.

“Find someone” Tomo demanded, his voice sounding near panic. “Jesus Christ, Shannon, what is it going to take until you realize that you’re not as young as you think you are either? When are you going to realize that Jared is a grown man who did this to himself and if you keep letting him…he will bring you down with him as well?”

“He’s my brother Tomo” Shannon defended, but I could see that Tomo wasn’t having any of it.

“Shannon…I love you…but this craziness has got to stop. Tim and I are younger then the two of you and we both have to struggle to keep up the pace as well” He looked at me for support, but I wanted none of it as I looked in the opposite direction because there was no way in hell that I was going to admit those words were true. “You need a break and I think that it’s time that we take one. We’ve been talking about going on a vacation for years now…let’s just fucking do it”

“Who is going to take care of him because you know that he won’t take care of himself? He’ll be on the phone and doing something before we even leave the driveway” They both looked my way that time and I felt as if I were trapped as I swallowed hard and prepared to explain why I felt that was such a horrible idea. They were upon me like a vulture on its prey and before I knew what was happening, I had been volunteered to be the one to enforce the no work rule on Jared. Tomo and Shannon were on the phone with their travel agent before I had a chance to argue and by the looks of relief and happiness on their face, I found that I didn’t want to. We were allowed to see Jared after that and he was less then happy at what the doctor had told him. He bitched, he complained and he got loud, but none of us were listening because we had a plan, even though he didn’t know it yet.

He fought Shannon like a wild and rabid beast over cancelling the rest of the shows, it even getting physical before Tomo and I stepped in and dragged them apart. Jared was livid and I knew that I was going to have to deal with the anger and upset and I can fully admit this now, but I was petrified. I had always been intimidated by Jared from the first moment that I’d met him, but with him being as angry as he was, I was even more so. I had no idea how everything was going to play out, had no idea how I was going to deal with or control the raging beast, but as I once again saw the relief and happiness on Shannon and Tomo’s face, I was determined to do whatever I had to do.

“Where’s Jared?” I asked several days after we had made it back home to California.

“He’s downstairs in the studio…and lord knows what he is doing” Shannon grumbled as he, Tomo and myself sat in the kitchen.

“He was on the phone when I last checked on him” Tomo replied, lying his hand on Shannon’s shoulder. “You ok?” He asked and I could see that he was concerned.

“I’m fine” Shannon smiled half heartedly, but I could tell that he was lying. “He’s being an outright bear…just to give you a heads up” He turned his attention towards me. “He’s pissed off to high heaven that I’ve even considered him taking a break and even more pissed off that Tomo and I are taking one”

“How pissed off is he about the fact that I’m going to be here with him?” I asked, nearly shitting myself at the loud voice behind me.

“He’s very fucking pissed off Timmy” Jared yelled, storming into the small kitchen. “I’m not two years old and I don’t need a fucking babysitter”

“Well you need something since you allowed yourself to get this far” Tomo murmured under his breath, but it was loud enough for all of us to hear it.

“Come again…” He roared, crossing his arms over his chest as he glared at the Croatian.

“You fucking heard me” He shot back, ignoring Shannon when he tried to calm him down. “You work yourself too fucking hard. Hell…you work all of us too hard. You are constantly trying to prove to the world that you are something and all you’re doing is slowly killing us…especially Shannon”

Jared’s mouth opened and closed several times before he locked it shut and stormed out of the room. “Fuck Tomo…why did you have to go and say all that shit?” Shannon asked, head in his hands, eyes closed.

“Because no one else has the fucking nerve to say it despite the fact that it’s all true” Tomo replied, his voice more calm as he laid his head on Shannon’s shoulder. “If he wants to keep up the pace that he is going at then so be it…but I can’t sit here and watch you go down with him. I love you Shannon and I want to spend the rest of my life with you…but just how much time will that be if we keep going the way that we are going?” There were tears in his eyes as he got up from the table and left the room as well.

“He’s right you know” I broke the silence, playing with my empty coffee cup.

“I know that he is…but how do I explain that to Jared. I’m tired Tim…really fucking tired” He looked up at me and I could read how much so on his face. “I love our fans and playing with this band…but lately I’ve wanted more you know” I wasn’t really sure what he was talking about, but I nodded anyway. “Tomo and I have been talking about starting a family” A smile made its way across his face, some of the weariness disappearing. “We’ve been looking at houses and have even checked into some adoption agencies. It’s not something that I’ve ever wanted until I fell in love with Tomo. I mean me…with a husband…a house and kids. Now…it’s all that I think about. I just don’t know how to explain this to Jared and make him see that although the band is still my dream…I’ve got another one as well”

“Just tell him Shannon” My words of wisdom sounded even lame to me.

“Yeah…easier said then done” He replied before getting up and leaving me alone in the kitchen. Loud and heated words were exchanged after that as I continued to sit in the kitchen, wondering why the fuck I had agreed to that in the first place.

“Thank you for doing this for us Tim” I heard Tomo whisper tiredly behind me and then I remembered why. Shannon and Tomo left a few hours later and my journey with the one known as Jared Leto began the moment that front door closed.

“Ok…you can fucking leave now” I heard Jared practically yell at me as he entered the kitchen.

“I’m not leaving Jared” Was my response as I picked up my coffee cup and brought it to the sink.

“I said you can fucking leave now” He repeated, his words louder and more heated. “I don’t need a fucking baby sitter” His phone took that exact moment to ring as I turned to face him. I could read the exhaustion on his face as he talked to whoever it was, yelling into the phone about god knew what, and then the phone fell to the floor, Jared following. “Get the fuck off of me” He tried to push me away with his fists, but it only felt as if a new born was hitting me. Grabbing the phone off of the floor, I placed it on the coffee table before squatting down and picking up my fearless leader. He weighed practically nothing as I carried his unmoving frame up the stairs towards his bedroom. The doctor had warned us before he had left the hospital that his body was so weak that he could just faint at a moments notice, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t disturbing to have him lying in my arms like that.

I wished like hell that Shannon and Tomo were there in that exact moment because I was scared shitless when he took a shuttering breath and passed out. I played over and over in my head what the doctor has said, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to freak out as I rushed into his bathroom, grabbing a wash cloth and wetting it with cold water before going back into his room. He didn’t move a muscle as I sat on the bed beside him, placing the cool cloth on his head. I didn’t know if it was going to do any good, but it was something to do as I continued to sit there waiting for him to wake up. He was only out for about thirty minutes, but it felt like five hours as he roused himself awake, groaning in pain as he opened his eyes, shutting them quickly afterwards. “I said go home Tim” He tried to sound angry, but it only sounded small and even scared.

“I’ll be right back” I said, ignoring him as I rushed back into the bathroom, rooting through his cabinet looking for some pain relievers. We had been warned that each time Jared passed out he was going to have a killer headache when he came to and I could tell just by looking at him that it must have been a doozy since he still hadn’t opened his eyes as I came back into the room. “Take these” I said, holding out the tablets. I expected him to fight me, but he didn’t as he took them from my hand, looking up at me through squinting eyes. “The doctor said that you would have headaches each time that you fainted” I explained.

“I didn’t fucking faint” He ground out, groaning in pain once again at his outburst.

“Of course you didn’t” I rolled my eyes, grabbing the wash cloth and taking it back into the bathroom.

“I don’t need a fucking nurse maid” He growled when I placed the newly wetted cloth on his head once again, but I noticed that he didn’t take it off either.

“Just go to sleep Jared and I will make you something to eat when you wake up” He mumbled something under his breath, but I didn’t stick around to hear it as I left him alone and went to hide in the living room for a while. I expected him to come trudging down the stairs after me, but he didn’t. In fact I had to go and check on him when several hours later he still hadn’t come downstairs.

“Are you hungry?” I asked as I entered his room, finding him still lying on the bed, but I could tell that he wasn’t asleep. “Shannon left a list of all your favorite foods and recipes on how to prepare them. I was looking at them earlier and they don’t seem to hard to make” I walked deeper into the room, finding the wash cloth I had left on his head earlier lying on the floor in a corner where I was sure it had been thrown. “I was thinking later after dinner we could maybe hang out by the pool. It’s supposed to be a nice night and maybe we can play a game of chess or something. I saw the chess board in the study. I’m not the greatest player in the world but I think that I can hold my own” He still said not a word as he continued to ignore me. “Well you can think about it while I make us something to eat” I sighed, leaving the room and once again wishing that I had stood my ground and said no at the beginning.

I felt completely out of my element as I read through the recipe cards that Shannon had left me. Jared only ate healthy organic foods of which I knew nothing about. The only thing that I ate that was healthy was the lettuce on the huge medium rare hamburgers that I loved so much. It was nothing for me to eat three and four of them a week along with the loads of fast food and junk food that I loved as well. I struggled for a bit trying to make it at least edible and by the time I was done I was actually pretty proud of my achievements. I was smiling as I walked into his room to let him know that dinner was on the table and found it empty, a frown quickly replacing it as I walked over towards the bathroom to see if he was there. “Jared…” I cried out when I found it empty. “Jared…” I cried out again as I raced down the stairs and began to frantically search the house for him. “Jared…where the fuck are you?” I was near frantic as I rushed outside to see if he was in the back yard, my heart sinking when he wasn’t. Jerking my cell phone out of my pocket I dialed his number after hearing it ring in the house. “Where the fuck were you?” I cried out as I ran towards the sound, nearly throwing my own phone in anger when I found his sitting on the coffee table from where I had left earlier. I thought about going out and looking for him, but knew that I had a better chance of finding a needle in a haystack and I went into the kitchen and ate some of the meal I had made.

A couple of hours later I got a phone call from neighborhood security that they had found Jared passed out on a park bench and they wanted to know if I could come and get him. I was fuming as I drove towards the park where they had found him, my hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly that they began to ache, but I knew it was better then putting them around Jared’s neck and squeezing the life right out of him. He was awake by the time I got there and I could tell that he had another headache just by the look of misery on his face. I thanked the security men as I practically carried him to the car, not saying a word to him while I drove back towards the house. He was out of the car before I had the chance to put the gear in park, practically crawling onto the front porch. I still didn’t say a word as I strode right past him, leaving him practically passed out there. I fought the urge to go and help him because I knew that this was what had to be done in order for Jared to realize that he needed my help, no matter how much he wanted to deny it. It took him some time but he finally made it into the house, cursing obscenities at me as he laid across the floor leading upstairs. I had yet to utter a single word as I picked him up, once again carrying him up the stairs and into his room. “You want to fucking kill yourself then go ahead” I screamed, tossing him on the bed, ignoring the outcry of pain I received as I stormed into the bathroom, grabbed the bottle of pain killers and a glass of water. “I’m tired of this shit Jared” I screamed, not caring that my voice was loud and it was hurting his head. “I only agreed to do this because I was worried about you…but you don’t seem to give a shit that your body is fucking shutting down on you. Here’s your fucking phone…call and work on some more business deals. Go run a fucking marathon if you want. Starve yourself like you always do…because I am fucking done” My rant got louder, his face growing paler. “You are such a fucking moron. You have worked yourself stupid and for what…fame…recognition? Well none of that shit will matter when your dead” I left the room because those last words seemed to affect me more then him as I rushed down stairs in dire need of a cigarette or three. I didn’t get any sleep that night worrying over and over about how mean I had been to him.

I practically crawled out of bed the next morning, feeling worn out and exhausted as I prepared breakfast for him. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find as I climbed the stairs, expecting to find him either working, passed out or possibly dead. What I found when I opened the door was Jared lying on his back, eyes wide open as he stared at the ceiling. He didn’t say anything as I entered the room, placing a tray loaded with fruit, juice and tea on his bedside table. I was relieved that he was at least alive, noticing right away that his phone was still lying on the side of the bed where I had thrown it the night before, seemingly untouched. “How’s your head?” I asked, my voice still strained because I was tired and still so very angry, that anger growing when he ignored me. “Whatever Jared…” I said as I left him alone once again. The rest of the day was the same as I checked on him from time to time, the tray of fruit untouched as little by little it went bad. At lunchtime I brought a re-warmed bowl of squash soup up to him, placing it on the night stand as I had with the fruit, along with a bottle of water before I took my leave once again. Mid afternoon I got half way excited when I checked on him and found the bowl empty, but it didn’t last long as I happened to look to my left and found the contents of the bowl splashed all over one side of his bedroom wall. “If you think that I am cleaning that up…you can just think again” I said, not even bothering to close the bedroom door as I took my leave. I didn’t bother to go up for dinner, deciding to order in some take out from a nearby Chinese restaurant for myself. I knew it was against my better judgment, but I ordered off of the vegetarian menu for Jared, knowing that I was wasting my time and my money.

I was halfway through my meal when he emerged from the hallway, still not speaking a word as he shuffled into the kitchen. I heard him rustling through the fridge and then a cabinet before he came back into the dinning room where I was sitting eating my meal. I continued to eat, pushing forward the container of vegetarian delight before focusing back on my own plate. I could see his hesitation, but his rumbling belly got the better of him as he sat down across from me and ate the entire contents silently. I had to admit that the silence was killing me, but I kept my own mouth shut as he left me alone yet again once he was done. It was nearly midnight when I went to check on him again, hoping to find him fast asleep, instead finding him sitting in a chair by the window gazing out at the dark sky. He didn’t acknowledge my presence as I continued to stand in the doorway, wondering when that man ever slept and what the hell it was the was keeping him from doing it. “Night Jared” I whispered before I took my leave and headed into the guest room. I didn’t sleep much that night either, my mind troubled as to what it was that Jared felt he had to prove the world and why he was willing to die for it.

The next morning was pretty much the same, where I placed food on his night stand while he ignored me. The only difference was that when I went to check on him much later, the plate was empty and that time I didn’t find any on the wall. Lunch and dinner were the same, but I was grateful that he was at least making an attempt to rest and eating the food that I left out for him. Later that night he came downstairs once again, walking into the living room, just standing in front of me still not saying a word. “What are you doing?” He finally broke his silence.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” I asked, pretending to read the lines of the page in front of me, but not comprehending them at all.

“Doesn’t seem like your kind of reading” He said, trying to take the book from me, but I held on tightly to it.

“Why…cause I’m a bassist in a rock band and couldn’t really be able to read or understand a book like this” I shot back, trying to control my anger.

“You’re not in a rock band as far as I know” He shot back, his words hurting me more then I would ever let on as I jerked the book away from him, slamming it shut in full irritation. “I’ll have you know Mr. Intelligence…but I’ve read this book already as well as most of the books you have in your library” It was true, but I could tell that he didn’t believe me. “Would you care to pick one and have a conversation about it?” I dared him, he taking the bait just as I knew he would. I watched as he picked up one of the larger books from the bookcase, holding it up as he sat down beside me. “I found it pretty lame and boring” I gave him my take on the book, sitting forward on the couch, crossing my legs because I knew my fun was about to begin.

“I think that the only one lame and boring here is you. I don’t believe for one second you read this book” He mocked, opening the book to somewhere in the middle as he sneered at me.

“The author’s views on our country and its government are old fashioned and narrow minded. He has no clue as to what is going on in the real world, instead pretending that everything isn’t falling apart at the seams. His views on relevant issues that we are facing today is something out of the middle ages. He’s a sexist who feels that woman have no place in the work force and would just as soon kill every gay and lesbian person on the planet before allowing them equal rights…much less any rights. He’s a religious nut ball who throws his support and his money behind other right winged nut balls who blame the fate of the world on everyone else but themselves” I gave a brief synopsis of the author and his words, leaving Jared more then a little stunned as he gapped at me like a dying fish out of water. “Anything else you want to know?” I asked several minutes later after adding a few more points. He didn’t say anything else as he got up off of the couch, putting the book away, and picking out another one before sitting back down beside me. “Really Jared…this jerks even worse then the other one…if you can believe that” I chuckled because he really was making it to easy for me.

“I had no idea you were into the world and politics this much?” He sounded in awe and I couldn’t help the smug smile that plastered its way across my lips. “Talk to me sometimes instead of treating me like the hired help and maybe you’d learn” I replied, putting the book I had been reading back in its place. “Night Jared” I said, leaving him sitting there all alone as I went up to my room.

The next morning when I went to bring him breakfast he was actually sleeping, but I could tell that it wasn’t a restful sleep by the tight look on his face and that way that his eyes jerked back and forth under his eyelids. I wasn’t sure if he was having a nightmare or not, but he was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him as I placed his breakfast on the night stand and left. It wasn’t thirty minutes later that he came downstairs, looking more exhausted then he had the night before. We didn’t say anything to each other as he sat on the other end of the couch where I was sitting, propping his feet on the coffee table as we both watched some morning talk show. We sat in silence for nearly an hour before I got up and grabbed a cigarette, Jared gone once I came back. I watched some more Television before getting up and making lunch for the two of us. Jared was sitting in the chair by the window again when I brought the food up. “Are you hungry?” I asked, placing the tray in its normal place. “How about some company while you eat” I went on when he nodded yes. “Be right back” I called out over my shoulder as I went downstairs and grabbed my lunch as well. When I went back up he was sitting in the middle of his bed, the tray lying across his lap. I debated where to sit for a moment before I gave in and sat on the bed as well.

“I’m sorry about earlier” He said as I prepared to bite into my sandwich.

“About what?” I asked, wondering which of the things he had done to me since Tomo and Shannon had left he was talking about.

“Everything I guess but especially about thinking you were nothing but a dumb rocker” He replied, playing with his vegetable sandwich.

“You don’t really know me so how would you know that I can read more then Dr. Suess” I tried to joke, but it didn’t come out that way. “I actually used to be just like you Jared” I decided to fill Jared in on a part of myself that not many people knew.

“I doubt that” He snorted, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Oh don’t be so sure” I began. “I used to be a nerd…not that you’re a nerd” I corrected quickly at the dirty look he shot me. “I used to be at the top of my class is high school…even graduated as valedictorian. I loved math and science and couldn’t keep up enough on current events. I actually graduated a whole year ahead of my class…starting college at seventeen the fall after I graduated. I thought I knew it all and that nothing would ever get to me. I loaded myself down with so many classes and academic activates that I didn’t have time to do much of anything…even sleep” Closing my eyes I recalled the worst day of my life, taking a deep breath before I continued. “That went on for almost three years until I had a fucking stroke and almost lost my life”

“You were barely twenty…how the hell could you have had a stroke?” He asked and I could tell that he didn’t believe me once again.

“The signs were all there…but I ignored them. I was too dedicated to my academics and the fact that I was so worried about letting my teachers and constituents down. It started out as tiny chest pains from time to time and then I would have panic attacks and have trouble breathing. I never slept…even when I tried my mind would never shut down and so I would get up and do something that I thought was constructive. The pinnacle of my college career was when I was asked to work on a top secret project for NASA that the college was part of. I was excited and ready to take on the world…” I had his full attention, I could tell as he held the rest of his sandwich mid air as he waited for me to continue. “I was only in the program for three days before the chest pains started again…but that time they were horrible. I tried to work through them…but they became more severe and then I found myself having trouble breathing. I don’t remember much after that except I was up on a ladder making sure that the engineers working on the project had followed my design and then the next thing I remembered was waking up in a hospital. I found out later that I had had a stroke. I fell off the ladder…cracked my head open as I fell before breaking just about every bone in my back and legs once I hit the ground. I was in the hospital off and on for over a year while I rehabilitated myself. It was during that time that I decided that I wasn’t ever going back to the person I used to be. I decided that I had let too much of my life just pass before my eyes and vowed to make a change. I just sort of fell into music and well...the rest is history I guess”

“You’re a great storyteller Tim…but I don’t buy a word of that” He mocked me, going back to his lunch as I fumed silently before him.

“You think I fucking made that up?” I growled, getting up off of the bed and ripping my shirt off. “This…” I yelled, twisting my arm around as I pointed at a large and ugly scar down the middle of my back. “Is from the seven back surgeries that I had to have before I could even think about walking again. “These…” My rant continued as I jerked my jeans off of the lower part of my body. “Are from the pins that had to be placed in my hips and my legs because every bone had been shattered” “This…” I quickly pulled my pants up, lunging for Jared as I shoved my head right under his nose, parting the hair and showing him another large purple scar located from the top of my head to the back of my neck. “Is from my cracking my head on the side of the ladder before smashing it onto the hard concrete below. You fucking believe me now?” I screamed in his face, his eyes wide and full of shock as I rushed for the bedroom door because I needed to get out of there before I beat the shit out of him. “You know what Jared…fuck you” I screamed over my shoulder as I ran down the stairs, grabbed my keys before running for my car.

“Hi mom” I spoke into the phone as I sat in my apartment, crying over what I wasn’t sure. “I’m fine” I lied, swallowing hard as the images of my accident played over and over in my head. “No…I’m not over working myself. I just wanted to talk to you and hear your voice. I miss you” I spoke the truth because since my accident my mother and I had gotten very close. She was my best friend and I hated the fact that she lived so far away from me. “I was just thinking about the accident today and it just kind of overwhelmed me a bit” I finally told her the truth after she hounded me for a few minutes. I didn’t tell her about Jared, figuring that she didn’t need to know about Jared’s problems and how those problems were causing me problems of my own. “I feel better now that I’ve talked to you” I smiled because I did feel better. “Yes…I’m still flying you out here next month” I smiled even wider at the idea of spending two whole weeks with the only person that was able to keep me sane as I tried to pull myself together again after what had happened to me. “I love you mom and I’ll call you soon” I promised as I ended the call, starting to feel guilty for the way I had run out on Jared despite the fact that he deserved it.

“I’m sorry Tim” He cried out the moment that I entered the house, rushing down the steps, nearly hitting the ground as he legs gave out of him and he fell forward. Thankfully I was able to catch him before he hit the ground. “I’m so fucking sorry…I shouldn’t have said that to you” He was sobbing in my arms as I held him close, near tears myself due to my confusion and frustration.

“It’s ok” I lied, helping him into the living room and propping him up on the couch. “Did you hurt yourself?” I asked, looking for any outward signs of injury, finding none.

“Only my pride” He snorted, wiping at his tear stained face. “I really am so sorry at what I said. I can’t believe that I was so callus because in all of the years that I’ve known you…you’ve never once lied to me about anything” He was starting to tear up again and I knew that I couldn’t handle it as I plopped down beside him, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“It’s not something that I tell people. I just figured if you knew that maybe it would help you see that it’s just a matter of time before you kill yourself with what you are doing” I spoke softly. “Too many people love you Jared for that to happen” I said next, knowing that deep down in my heart that I was one of those people.

“How did you deal with it…not being able to do what you loved?” Jared asked and it took me a few minutes before I could answer him.

“I don’t think that I ever loved it…it was just something that I was good at and so I just let it absorb me” I finally answered. “I don’t think that you love it either Jared. I think that you’ve just been worried about what the world thinks of you for so long and you’ve allowed it to consume you as well” I dared to say, waiting for him to explode as I had earlier.

“I fucking hate it…but I feel as if I can’t stop” He said and I could tell that he was telling the truth just by the look on his face. “I’ve been a joke from the moment that I started here”

“A joke…to who?” I asked confused.

“Los Angeles…Hollywood…all of it. From the moment that I moved here I’ve had to prove myself and as I get more famous the harder it’s gotten” He explained, rolling his head to the side against the cushion so he was looking me dead in the face. “It’s just exhausting”

“I bet” I replied, finding myself shifting just a bit closer so that we were mere inches apart from each other.

“I don’t know what to do Tim” He sounded so sad and I had to fight the urge to take him in my arms and just hold him tight, because I had never heard Jared sound like that before.

“You know what you have to do. The question is are you willing to do it”

“What if I can’t?”

“You already know the answer to that as well”

“Yeah…” He sounded beaten and broken as I gave into my urge and pulled him into my arms. I felt foolish as I prepared to run away, but I stopped myself as he moved closer against me, lying his face in the folds on my neck. “Never thought of you as much of a snuggler” He chuckled from where he stayed hidden. “Think Tomo might have a replacement” His voice was low and I could hear just how exhausted he was as I laid back and got myself comfortable because I knew that we weren’t leaving that couch that night.

Surprisingly I was the first to wake up that morning, my bladder screaming for me to get up and empty it. I fought it for as long as I could before the pain became too much. I hated to wake Jared because he seemed so at peace for the first time every, but I had no choice as I jostled him awake, not giving an explanation as I raced from the couch and for the bathroom in the hallway. “Morning” I said once I had relieved myself, finding him still lounging on the couch with a sleepy smile upon his face. “You look like you slept well” I smiled because he looked so damn cute and childlike and it made me happy to know that he had finally relaxed enough to get some good sleep.

“I actually feel like I could sleep some more” He smiled up at me sleepily as he patted the couch cushion next to him. I knew what he wanted and yet for some strange reason I couldn’t get my feet to move. Instead I blurted out something that I didn’t even mean to say, wanting to take it back so bad once I had. “You know…Tomo doesn’t have anything to worry about being replaced” They shot out of my mouth like a flash and I could almost see the words as they slapped Jared across the face.

“Yeah…I know that Tim” Was his automatic response as he got up and left me alone in the living room, wanting to beat the shit out of myself for being so stupid.

I expected him to hide out in his room all day or throw another tantrum and storm out of the house again, but he didn’t do any of those things. Instead, he came back down stairs about an hour later, freshly showered. We made small talk as I cooked him breakfast, but I could tell that something was bothering him. I pretended not to notice as we ate, somehow spending the rest of the day watching TV as well as playing a very long and uneventful game of chess. “Do you ever just read for fun?” I asked as I got up later that evening, looking for something lighthearted to read. “Everything here is so heavy” I turned to face him. “Hold on for a minute” I grinned before grabbing my keys and running for my car. “I was going to send this to my niece for her birthday…but I can buy her a new set later” I plopped down on the couch beside him, showing him the series of books I held in my hand. “Have you read this series yet?”

“Those are kid’s books” He scoffed, looking at me as if I had lost my mind.

“Yes…they are mostly directed towards kids but it’s a fucking good series. I started reading the first book and had finished the entire series in three days”

“I have so many smart remarks for you that I don’t even know where to begin” He snorted at me, getting up off of the couch. “Night Tim” I heard him call out as he climbed the stairs. I waited a few minutes before I went up myself, preparing for bed before walking into Jared’s room. “What the fuck are you doing?” He asked as I walked into the room uninvited and sat down on the bed beside him.

“I’m going to read to you” I announced, taking the first book out of the box set and opening it up.

“I’m not a child Tim…I don’t need you to read me to sleep” He grumbled, but I felt that there really wasn’t much fight behind it.

“Just be quiet and listen” I grinned, leaning back against the headboard as I began to read. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t listening, but as I continued on I could see that he was finding it almost impossible not to. By the third chapter he was lying on his side facing me, his eyes closed as he listened to my words. I got lost myself as I reread the words that had taken me on an exciting and danger filled journey from the first time I had read it. I could barely keep my eyes open as I looked at the alarm clock on the night stand and found that three hours had passed. “Are you sleeping?” I asked quietly once I had closed the book and placed it on the night stand.

“No…” He replied with a sigh as he opened his eyes and looked up at me. I could read the exhaustion on his face and yet I knew that once I left he wasn’t going to fall right to sleep.

“Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?” I asked, already knowing what he needed and surprisingly finding that I didn’t need it, but that I seemed to want it too. “I’m just too comfy to walk my lazy ass over to my room” He seemed to consider my words for a long time before he rolled off of the bed, nodding with his head for me to do the same before pulling the comforter and sheets down. “You know…I know I’m not as good a snuggler as Tomo but if you feel the need to snuggle…” I left the sentence open as I reached over and turned the light out.

“You don’t mind?” I heard him ask uncertainly and it caused me to smile in the dark at how childlike he actually sounded again.

“I don’t mind” I replied, moving over towards him some. He shifted around for a moment before I felt his head on my chest and his arm lying across my stomach. I couldn’t help but notice how intimate it felt and it unnerved me just a bit, despite the fact that I had wanted it earlier. I could smell his shampoo once again and in some strange way it calmed me a bit as I tilted my head downward enough that I could inhale it with each intake of breath. “Night Jared”

“Night Tim” He yawned, snuggling in a little bit closer before soft snores filled the room. I couldn’t help but smile because I was actually happy that for some reason when he was in my arms he seemed to find peace. I didn’t know what it meant and truth be told I really didn’t want to know as I closed my eyes and fell asleep as well.

The next two days were much of the same. We just hung out and talked and I got to know a side of Jared that I never knew existed. We played chess in the evening, reading for an hour of so before bed and then falling asleep with Jared in my arms. The whole situation was so strange, but I had to admit to myself that I was enjoying every minute of it. I loved that Jared was starting to feel comfortable enough around me that he let his guard done. I loved to hear stories about his and Shannon’s past because it gave me insight into how it was that Jared turned out to be the go getter that he was. Jared became more affectionate, playful, and even flirty and even though I had never even considered flirting with a man before, I found myself doing so. He hugged me often, snuggled with me on the couch when we watched TV and of course he was plastered against me the moment that we went to bed. I had a feeling in the back of my mind that Jared was starting to feel more then simple friendship for me and yet I had no idea how I wanted to feel about that. He was starting to look healthier and happier too and that in turn made me very happy.

Everything kind of took a turn one night as we laid in bed, Jared lying on my chest. I had been reading to him, but he seemed out of sorts that night, so we just laid there in silence. It was as if he couldn’t concentrate and I could tell that something was on his mind. “You ok?” I asked, wondering what it could be that was weighing so heavily on him.

“I’m gay” He blurted out, his body stiffening as he waited for me to respond. I didn’t know what to say at first, but then I realized that he was being open, so I decided that I would be as well.

“If you were expecting to shock me it didn’t work” I chuckled, watching as he sat up, staring at me with wide eyes.

“You knew?” He asked, shock on his face.

“Well…I didn’t know officially until you just told me…but I’ve had my suspicions even before I met you”

“You and the rest of the world” He sounded bitter as he moved away from me, leaning against the headboard on his side of the bed.

“Well it isn’t like you haven’t flaunted it in the entire worlds face” I reminded. “First you’re with this woman and then you’re hanging out with a man and then you’re with another woman and then hanging out with another man and then there was the whole gay as a goose thing”

“I know” He replied softly, looking so sad that it broke my heart. “I was so ready to come out that day” He went on, staring at the opposite end of the room. “I was testing the waters to speak and for the thirty minutes that it lasted I actually felt free for the first time in ages”

“What happened?” I asked, having a feeling I already knew but I could see that he wanted to talk about it.

“The big wigs got wind of it at the record company and had a shit fit. Hell…Shannon had a shit fit. The one person that I expected to defend me…cursed me a blue streak before storming out of the hotel room. Even Tomo seemed put off by my statement. It was a devastating day for me because I was tired of hiding who I was and yet I had to take it all back and pretend that it was a joke”

“I’m sorry Jared” I said, holding my arms out so he could slide into them.

“You don’t mind?” He seemed shocked as he looked at my out stretched arms as if they were going to hurt him and not hold him.

“Why the fuck would I mind?” I blurted out, grabbing onto the sleeve of his t-shirt, tugging it until he laid down. “I just told you that I thought you were gay all along and it didn’t stop me from being your friend before…so why would it now?”

“I don’t know” That child like was voice back again.

“You know Jared contrary to what you might believe I do care about you” I went on, speaking the truth and not even thinking that Jared could take those words any other way then friendship.

“Really?” I watched as he sat back up, looking almost scared and unsure. I didn’t have a chance to say anything before he leaned forward and placed his lips upon mine. I was too shocked to do much of anything for a moment, but then my brain kicked in and I pushed him away.

“Jared…shit…I’m sorry I can’t” I rushed out, sitting back so fast that I almost fell out of the bed. His eyes were wide; his cheeks flush as he ran from the bed and locked himself in the bathroom. “Jared…” I cried out, rushing after him, the door slamming in my face before I could reach him. “Jared…we need to talk about this” I pounded on the door, knowing that I wasn’t going to get a response. “Good night Jared” I whispered before leaving and going into my own room. I didn’t sleep at all that night as I played the kiss over and over in my mind. I felt horrible for the way that I had pushed Jared away, but it had caught me so off guard that I knew there wouldn’t have been any other reaction from me even if I had. I was confused as hell because as confused I was about it; I wasn’t as confused as I thought I should be. I recalled the way that his lips felt against mine, so similar to a woman’s and yet so different. I didn’t want to let it, but I let my mind wander as to what might have happened if I hadn’t pushed him away, my confusion growing in that I was even curious about it. I decided to force myself to not think about it, and I was halfway successful as I pulled out the second book of the series I was reading to Jared and forced myself to read it. I was back to square one the next morning with Jared ignoring me and refusing to leave his room all day long.

“Are you hungry?” I asked later in the evening as I sat in the living room watching TV, watching as he made his way into the living room, once again ignoring me. “Are we really going to do this again Jared?” I yelled out as he walked past me. “You’re being an ass you know that right?” Fed up I left the couch and joined him in the kitchen. “Can we just talk about this?” I asked, blocking him between my body and the counter.

“Nothing to talk about” He mumbled, trying to push his way past me, but I was stronger and more determined.

“Jared…you just caught me by surprise” I said, pushing him back against the counter once again when he tried to leave again, pinning him there with the bulk of my body because I was determined to say what I had to say. “I wasn’t expecting you to kiss me. It just shocked me for a minute”

“Did it gross you out?” He asked, sounding so sad and insecure that it actually made me sad as well.

“I’m not sure honestly” I replied truthfully. “I don’t think that it grossed me out…just kind of stunned me because I’d never even considered kissing another man before”

“I shouldn’t have done it…but you’ve been so flirty with me and…” He stammered, blushing and it made me smile.

“Well it’s kind of hard not to flirt back when it’s Jared fucking Leto flirting with you” I was flirting again, and found that those words were true and that I couldn’t actually help the flirting back.

“But…you’re not into men so it was a stupid waste of time” He was pouting and I thought that it was the cutest fucking thing I had ever seen in my life.

“You’re so fucking cute when you pout like that” I grinned, repeating the thoughts from my head.

“Fuck you Tim” He smiled up at me, biting at his bottom lip.

“Well lets try the kissing once again and then we can try and work our way up to the fucking” I didn’t give him a chance to respond as I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. He didn’t move a muscle as I pulled back just a bit and kissed him again, moving my mouth against his in hopes of getting any sort of response. “You know this usually works better if both parties involved move their lips”

“What are you doing Tim?” He asked, his lips ghosting against mine as he spoke.

“I have no idea” I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him into my arms. “But I’m not grossed out and I want you to kiss me back so fucking bad that I can taste it” The smile he sent me was amazing and beautiful to look at as he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me good and proper.

“Well?” He asked several moments later as he pulled back and watched my face for any sort of reaction.

“Is there anything that you can’t do well?” I grinned, my eyes drawing back to his swollen lips before capturing them under mine once again.

“Some things I do better in bed” He purred, biting at my neck, rubbing against my groin with the lower half of his body.

“Slow down stud” I panted, my neck arching back under no accord of my own as he continued to nip and kiss a very sensitive part of my body. “Baby steps…remember this is all so new to me”

I couldn’t help but laugh when his stomach took that exact moment to growl very loudly. “I blame you for that” He groaned, falling back against the counter as he pretended to glare at me. “Eating three times a day never used to be an issue until you took over my life” I could tell that he didn’t mean anything by it and it caused me to smile because I liked the idea of being in control of his life.

“I’ll gladly take the blame for that. It’s only been a week Jared and already you look so much healthier” It was true and he knew it as well.

“You know how to take good care of me” He said softly and it made me wonder why he always seemed to go from rock god to child when it came to anyone showing interest in him or wanting to help him.

“Come on…let’s feed you” I grinned, kissing him once again before digging into the refrigerator and pulling out what I had made earlier. After he ate we somehow ended up on the couch, Jared straddling the lower portion of my body as we continued to make out. I could have continued with that all night, but the ringing of my cell phone halted such actions as Shannon’s ringtone broke the wonderful moment we had going on. “Hello” I breathed heavily into the phone, mouthing to Jared who it was. I should have known that even despite the fact that his brother was on the phone that it wouldn’t detour him from what we were doing. “Hey Shannon…” I bit my lip as he began to work on my neck again because all I wanted to do was moan like a mad man. “He’s fine. Yeah…I actually think that his battery might be dead because he hasn’t used it all week and its not moved from the night stand” I explained when Shannon told me that he had been trying to call Jared on his phone. “I know…can you believe that I got him to part with his precious baby” I laughed, nearly biting my tongue off as I felt Jared’s hand rubbing me through my jeans. “Fuck Jared…baby steps man” I cried out, arching upwards despite my protest because it felt pretty damned good.

“What the fuck are you guys doing?” Shannon screamed loud enough that Jared could hear him.

“Were playing chess if you must known or at least I am trying to teach him to play…chess” He grabbed the phone from me, his hand still working me up, winking at me as he continued to talk to his older brother. “What else do you expect me to do fucker since you’ve put me on lock down with Timmy boy” I could tell Jared was joking, but his words bothered me just a little. “No…I’m not mad anymore. You were right…I was working us all way to hard. I see that now” He removed his hand from my dick, a sadness covering his face that broke my heart yet again. “I’m sorry Shannon for doing that to you…Tomo…everyone” I could see that his eyes were getting misty as I took the phone from, closing my eyes and smiling when he snuggled against my chest searching for some comfort.

“Hey Shannon…it’s Tim” I said, holding Jared close because I wanted him to know that I was there for him and everything was going to be ok. “Yes…he’s fine” I assured and I could hear the worry in his voice. “He put me through hell the first few days…even managed to get his stubborn ass picked up by neighborhood security…but he’s learned his lesson now” I laughed, then squealed at the poke in the ribs I received. “He’s pissed because I am telling the truth” I laughed again, pinning him onto his back, trying to keep him on the couch, while keeping the phone out of his reach.

“When’s he coming back” Jared asked, looking like the devil incarnate as he grinned up at me.

“Jared wants to know when you and Tomo are coming back?” I asked, clenching my teeth together in order to stop another moan when he wrapped his legs around my legs and began to hump me. “Crazy fucker…” I sputtered, trying to keep my cool, but knowing that I had to get Shannon off of the line soon or things were going to get ugly. “He’s fucking cheating” I cried out in a high pitch when Shannon asked what was going on yet again. “Yes at chess…what else would we be doing?’ I asked, laughing at the wiggling eye brows I got as a response from the man we were talking about. “Ok…well you and Tomo enjoy the rest of your trip and we will see you when you get back” I didn’t give him a chance to speak as I disconnected the call, tossing my phone onto the coffee table. “You are just fucking evil” I cried out, deciding that baby steps were for the birds and if I was going to even consider being with a man, it might as well had been a man I was interested in. “You want to go upstairs?” I whispered through another moan as my dick strained painfully against my jeans.

“What happened to baby steps?” That same evil grin from before in his face.

“Like I had a fucking chance with you “I replied, breaking away from him as I scrambled off of the couch and ran up the stairs towards his bedroom.

We were naked and on his bed in no time flat. “Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked shyly and that put me more at ease to know that he was at least as nervous as I was.

“I’ll let you know if it gets to be too much” I smiled at him, seeing some of the tension leave his face as I leaned forward and began kissing him. We actually didn’t go all the way that night, but far enough that we both got off with some dry humping, a lot of kissing and quick hand jobs. I don’t know why Jared didn’t try to push it further than and as ready as I wanted to be, I was happy that we had held back because I was still feeling a little weird about it. We fell asleep, Jared wrapped tightly within my arms and I realized that I hadn’t felt so happy and so content in such a long time.

“Do you regret that we didn’t go all the way last night?” Were the first words out of his mouth as I stirred awake the next morning.

“No…” I replied the truth, lying my cheek upon the top of his head as he continued to lie on my chest.

“I wanted to…don’t get me wrong” His warm breath wafted across my nipple, causing me to squirm a bit. “But…I don’t want to rush this Tim” He lifted his head up, looking me dead in the eye. “I don’t really know what is going on between us right now…but I like it”

“I like it too” I smiled, leaning forward and kissing him on the forehead. “You hungry?” I asked, prepaying to get up and make breakfast, but a hand on my chest stopped me.

“You stay…I’ll make breakfast” He was gone before I could say anything, his cute little, naked ass rushing out the bedroom door. Lying back I closed my eyes and thought about everything that was happening and as nervous as I was about what was happening between Jared and I, I found that I really longed to find out more. I wanted to get to know him more and I wanted to explore and learn more about making love to him. I wondered what would happen once Shannon found out about us, shuttering at all the horrible things that he could do to me once he had. Pulling the comforter up to my chin, I blocked out those thoughts, closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep. I woke up a bit later with something wet and cold against my lips, thinking it was Jared’s lips and nearly choking on it when I tried to kiss it back and it turned out to be a piece of cantaloupe. “I don’t even want to know what that was all about” Jared laughed as I gagged on the offending fruit.

“I hate cantaloupe” I lied, trying to hide the wave of heat I felt blazing across my face.

“Is this what you were looking for?” He teased, leaning forward and kissing me softly.

“You’re the devil” I reminded him, sitting up cross legged as he laid a tray on my lap.

“I know” He grinned back, reaching over and handing me a glass of juice. We ate in silence until the plates were empty. I was more then happy with the idea of going back to sleep for a couple of hours, but I could tell that Jared was restless and that just wasn’t going to happen.

“What do you want to do today?” I asked.

“Huh…what do you mean?” He asked a look of shock on his face.

“I mean...what do you want to do today. It looks to be a nice day outside…we should take advantage of it”

“I thought that I was under house arrest”

“I know that it felt like that and I’m sorry…but you’ve been so good that I guess you deserve some yard time” I giggled as I jumped off of the bed and ran for the guest room and a change of clothes. “Now get your lazy ass up…take a shower and get dressed” I hollered over my shoulder. I found myself excited at the idea of getting out of the house with Jared, because it had been almost a week and I hadn’t left the Leto house since I had stormed out and left Jared alone days earlier. I had nearly finished with my shower when I heard him climb in behind me. “What are you up too?” I asked, turning to face him, my mouth gone dry as he stood naked and wet behind me.

“I figured that I earned a conjugal visit as well” He grinned up at me as he slide down to his knees. I didn’t have anything coherent to say as he wrapped his hand around my penis, his mouth descending upon it without any hesitation. I came in no time flat, blushing like mad at how adolescent I felt at blowing my load so quickly, but he didn’t give me time to think about it as he washed himself quickly afterwards, yelling for me to get my ass in gear before he ran from the bathroom. I knew Jared was going to be the death of me, but I had to admit that it was going to be one hell of a way to die.

We didn’t do much that day really, but it was nice to get out of the house and just hang out with each other. We did some walking as we strolled on the beach near his home, stopping off for lunch at his favorite restaurant afterwards. He was exhausted hours later as we walked into the house, opting for a nap the minute the door was closed. A nap sounded good to me as well as I began to follow him up the stairs, stopping at the ringing of my cell phone. “I’ll be up in a few minutes…it’s my mom” I lied for some strange reason as I jogged down the steps and went into the kitchen. “Hey Shannon” I spoke quickly into the phone, wanting the conversation to be over before it begun because I had a feeling that my time with Jared was coming to an end and that scared the shit out of me. As expected he informed me that he and Tomo were feeling guilty about the way that they had just dumped me with Jared and that they were ending their trip early. I tried like hell to make him see that I didn’t mind and that they should stay for a bit longer, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. In fact they were already on their way back and would be home within a few hours. I couldn’t explain it, but I felt so sad at those words as I ended the call and walked towards Jared’s room. “Your brother and Tomo are on their way back” I spoke against his ear as I laid on the bed beside him. I couldn’t help but smile at the mumbled reply I got, my heart stinging some as he snuggled up against me. I knew that I had to get up before Shannon and Tomo returned, but at the sigh of contentment I heard from Jared I found that I just couldn’t leave him yet.

“Jared…Tim” I heard Shannon call out our names some time later as I jumped off of the bed and scrambled for the bedroom door. “What the fuck were you doing in there?” His tone sounded accusing as he eyed me and then behind me.

“I was just checking on him…he’s asleep” I lied, stepping into the hallway and closing Jared’s bedroom door behind me. “We went for a walk today and it took a lot out of him” I explained over my shoulder, hoping that Shannon was going to follow me, but he did the opposite as he walked into Jared’s bedroom and closed the door behind him.

“Hey man…” I heard Tomo’s voice as I walked into the living room and found him sprawled across the couch.

“Hey…how was the vacation?’ I asked as I sat on the love seat, looking up at the staircase, wondering what Shannon and Jared were talking about.

“Too fucking short” I heard him reply, a bit of anger to his voice as I turned my attention back towards him. “He couldn’t enjoy himself worrying about Jared” He went on, frustration clear on his face. “He’s a fucking grown man and yet he acts as if he’s four years old”

“Yeah…” I sighed.

“This must have been horrible for you” He said, sitting forward. “I know how Jared can be and as pissed off as he was when we left…I just know that he made you life a living hell”

“It wasn’t so bad” I replied, blushing despite my efforts to stop it.

“Did something happen between you two” He jerked his body forward, his eyes wide as he waited for me to respond.

“Yeah…he threw a bowl of soup at me and then ignored me for a few days” I spoke some of the truth, unwilling to share the rest of my week with Jared with him. “Nothing major after that”

“Sounds about right” He grew bored as he laid back down. “I bet you’ll be glad to get back to you own apartment and not have to be cooped up here all the time babysitting”

“Yes…I just bet he will” I heard Jared’s voice practically yell beside me, and the tone did not sound happy.

“Jared?” A question to my voice because I could tell that he was aggravated and my point was proven as my travel bag was tossed at my feet.

“You can leave now…your job is done. You’ve done your good deed for the year” I was stunned and unable to speak as I watched him walk away.

“What the fuck did you say to him?” I asked Shannon as he stood in the hallway looking a bit guilty.

“I didn’t say anything” I could tell that he was lying by the look on his face, but I didn’t have a chance to say anything else as he walked away as well.

“Did something happen between the two of you while we were gone?” Tomo asked again, as he sat forward once more.

“Nothing worth worrying about I guess” I replied, getting up and grabbing my bag. I didn’t even say goodbye as I left the Leto house and drove to my own apartment. I couldn’t get Jared out of my mind as I played over and over in my head the earlier scenario. I knew that Shannon must have told him something that pissed him off, but I had no idea what it could have been. I tried to call his cell phone, but it went straight to voicemail because I knew it was still lying on the night stand, the battery dead. I decided to focus on other things as I washed my clothes, cleaned up my already clean apartment and made myself something to eat. I felt empty and alone as I sat in my tiny kitchen, still wondering what was going through Jared’s head.

It was three days later and I still hadn’t heard from Jared. I had never in my life felt so lonely and even sad at the idea that Jared was upset with me. We had only been together for about a week and yet I felt as if a part of me had been left at his home. I missed him so bad that I was beginning to feel depressed and desperate to get back into his good graces, the only thing holding me back was the stone cold fear of rejection. I was about to lose my mind because in addition to my fear of rejection I was petrified that Jared was going to fall back into his former ways and end up hurting or killing himself in the process. Tomo decided to pay me a visit later that day and I was never so happy to see anyone in my lifetime. “He’s stopped eating and pretty much refuses to talk to either one of us. Shannon’s a fucking fall down mess and I am so pissed off that this grown fucking man is acting like a child again that I could scream” I could hear the anger in his voice and it set my anger off as well, despite the fact that I knew Tomo was right.

“He’s not a fucking baby…he just has a lot on his mind” I defended Jared.

“He’s fucking crazy is what he is” Tomo retorted.

“He’s not crazy…he’s fucking brilliant but no one gets that do they Tomo?” I blurted out, poking him in the chest as I prepared to beat his ass for talking such shit about the man that I cared about, the man that I thought he cared about.

“He misses you” He said next, causing me to almost lose my balance as I prepared for the beat down. “He won’t admit…but I can tell that he does. He just lies in bed all day and reads these kids books. He’s unhappy and it’s making Shannon unhappy…which makes me unhappy”

“What do you want me to do about it?” I asked, my heart racing and the urge to run to Jared great.

“When Shannon called that night and spoke to the both of you he said that Jared sounded so happy. He hadn’t heard him sound like that in years. He knew right then and there that you were fucking and I think that it was the reason that he was so keen to come home so fast”

“I don’t understand. If he felt that Jared was happier then why did he come home earlier?” I asked, confused.

“He’s always been the one to take care of Jared ever since they were kids. He would never admit this to me of course…but I think that you threatened him in a way in that you were able to make Jared forget about his fucking life and allow himself to be happy. It’s something that Shannon’s been trying to do for years now and he hasn’t been successful”

“Jared loves Shannon so much” I cried out, even more shocked at Tomo’s words. “You should hear all the wonderful things that he had to say about him. He would talk for hours about their life growing up and how Shannon was always there for him no matter what”

“Yes…they are very close and they love each other very much…but even you have to admit that Jared hasn’t been happy in the years that you have been with us. He likes you Tim and it seems that you make him happy…so get your stupid ass over there and make him happy…as well as yourself” He grinned up and me, tears in his eyes and he hugged me tightly. “You do care for him don’t you?” He asked once he pulled back.

“It’s all so new and so strange…but I’ve been a mess since I’ve come home” I told him the truth. “I hadn’t ever thought about being with a man before…but Jesus for some reason with Jared it just feels right” I was blushing, thankful that it was Tomo that I was talking to and not Shannon.

“Love it amazing isn’t it?” He smiled; laughing at what I assumed was a look of shock on my face. “Well…it may not be love yet…but I think that it might be heading there”

“I’m not sure what it is” I admitted, although I was pretty sure that Tomo was right about the love part.

“Well get over there and find out. Make him happy Tim. Make him see that there is more to life then just films, music and taking on the world”

“I don’t think that I can change him…and I don’t think that I want to. He’s Jared and he’s always going to be Jared” I reminded Tomo.

“Yes…but if he has you to distract him then he can have some fun and learn to love life again because he hasn’t for a long time now”

“What should I do?” I asked because I really had no idea.

“Let’s go” I didn’t have to chance to think, much less speak as Tomo grabbed my hand and dragged me down to his car.

“Shannon and I are going to stay at your place for the next couple of days so you and Jared can be alone” He said once we were in the driveway of the Leto home. “Keys…” He held out his hand as I pulled the keys from my pocket and handed them to him. “We were thinking about getting a hotel room…but you know how people like to talk and Shannon and I would like to keep our relationship to ourselves for the time being”

“What if I can’t do this?” I asked, fucking petrified to leave the confines of his car.

“You can do it. I have faith in you” I about shit my pants at the voice I heard at my window, finding Shannon standing there with a bag in his hand.

“What did you tell him that pissed him off?” I asked, once I got my breathing under control.

“I told him that he was a fool for believing that there was anything between the two of you…that we had guilted you into doing this and that was the only reason you were being the way that you were” He fessed up as I fought the urge to beat the fucking shit out of him.

“You’re such an ass Shannon” I told him as I opened the door and pushed my way past him.

“I know” I heard him say, but I ignored him as I walked into the house full of determination. I went straight to the kitchen, throwing together a meal that I was going to force Jared to eat even I had to shove it down his throat. I had a plan and there was no deviating from that plan. “Sit up” I demanded as I breezed into the room, almost laughing out loud because I could tell I had scared him. “You are going to eat this entire plate and I don’t want to hear one fucking word from you” I shoved the tray I had in my hands at him, hiding another smile when he took it and started eating right away. “Now I’ve got a few things to say to you and I don’t want to hear a fucking word from you until you have finished that entire plate” I warned, finger pointed at him as if it could do some damage and yet he didn’t say a word. “I know what Shannon said to you was fucked up…but how the fuck could you believe what he said” I began to pace before him, watching as he continued to eat, but I could tell that it was killing him inside not being able to speak. “I know that I’ve never been with a man before you…but fuck if I didn’t tell you that I liked what was going on between us. I’ve been so ready to make love to you Jared and yet you never seemed to take the initiative...why is that?”

“Tim…I…” He tried to speak, but I shot him a dirty look before he went back to his meal.

“You pretty much kick me out of you life after Shannon and Tomo came back and then you stop eating. What the fuck are you…five” I was yelling, but I couldn’t stop myself because I was still hurt and very frustrated. “I thought that it was me that was the problem…but I really think that it’s you. It’s like you give off this I don’t give a fuck attitude and yet you are like a frightened child underneath”

“I’m not frightened” He cried out, shoving the more then empty plate away from him.

“Then what?” I raised my voice even higher, not caring about the food any longer, just the answer. .

“I’m fucking terrified” He rushed out, glaring at me with eyes full of anger, tears and out right fear.

“Of what?” I asked, lowering my tone as I walked over to the side of the bed and sat down beside him. “What do you have to be afraid of?”

“You…” He whispered, averting his eyes so I couldn’t see them.

“Me…why the hell would you be terrified of me?” I questioned, more confused then ever.

I watched as he took a deep breath before speaking. “When I’m with you…like we have been” He began slowly, taking another breath before going on. “I forget about everything. I forget about the deadlines…the demands that everyone has on me…everything. When I’m with you…I don’t care about the music or my acting or any of the shit that goes along with either of them because all I can think about is you. I feel free of the stresses that dominate my life because I can only focus on you and wanting to make you happy. It terrifies me because I’ve never felt like this with anyone else before and I don’t even know if you fucking like me…much less love or care for me. In this last week you have completely fucked up my life Tim…and I loved it. I want more…but you’ve never been with a man before and I’m petrified that you won’t like it and won’t want to be with me and then what do I have” He was sobbing so hard that his words were hard to hear, not like they weren’t hard to hear anyway.

“Hey…I’m here aren’t I?” I asked, reaching out and taking his hands into my own. “I only left that day because you were so angry and seemed to want me to leave. I’m not going to say that I’m not terrified either…but I’m here and I’m willing to give it a try. You know…” I smiled, leaning forward and nudging his cheek with my nose so my lips were right next to his ear. “They say once you go Leto you never go back anyway…so I guess that you’re stuck with me” I tugged on his ear gently before pulling away enough that I could look at him. “I’m glad that you’re terrified of those things because it’s time for you to get out of this rut of yours. I really do care for you Jared…it could even be love because I’ve never felt anything like this before either. So…please don’t push me away before we’ve even really had a chance to start. I’m willing to make this work as long as you promise not to fall back into your old habits because I’ve become quite fond of spending time with you and beside…if we don’t make love soon I’m going to explode” I smiled at him before kissing him soundly.

“This is like some horrible gay movie” He gasped for breath after I broke our kiss.

“And you and I are the stars baby” I laughed, fighting for breath myself before I leaned in and kissed him once again.

Jared and I made love for the first time that night and it was strange and yet amazing all rolled into one. We had to practice several more times before we hit perfection and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. He kept his promise to cut his work load in half, despite the fact that I had to fight him every step of the way.

He still fights for our environment, still put his heart and soul into his music and his acting, but he always leaves time for me and the people who mean the most to him. A year after his collapse he proposed to me on that very stage, shocking me and the crowd before us as he got down on one knee and declared his love for me. I was shocked beyond belief that he had outed us in the way that he had, but that shock quickly turned into outright love because it was such a Jared thing to do. I accepted as we shared our first outed kiss on stage in front of the fans that meant the world to him and to me. I don’t know what the future holds for us, with Jared you never know what the next day holds for you, but it’s a journey and we’re happy and as long as we have each other nothing can stop us.

The End…


End file.
